I have never known what it feels like to be in a secure relationship. 

I have never known this because I have never been in a relationship where someone had made me feel good about myself. I have been lied to. I have been cheated on. I have been walked out on. I have been hurt physically and mentally. 

I have never known how to be confident and happy with myself in a healthy relationship. What healthy relationship? 

Seriously. I feel almost sad for myself. 

When I lost all self-esteem and deemed myself unworthy of anything normal, my friends finally convinced me to break out of my vulnerability and pursue Tinder. To be honest, it at first did not help because it supported a plastic façade where people were only saying and doing stuff to get something pleasurable out of it for them. Yeah, it boosted my self-esteem a bit but overall it was not the right place to go looking for honest and good men. 

Until, I did actually find one.

And even then, I hesitated. But, turns out we were able to have fun and intentions were good. In fact, after months of dating (also after months of curving him) intentions were great and we established a relationship. 

Now, I am still in this relationship and it’s been almost 8 wonderful months and I have to admit that, overall, he is the most amazing man I have been with. This has been the most refreshing and mature relationship I have ever had…

Unfortunately, I’ve carried quite a bit of baggage along from my past into this relationship and a lot of which is tagged “relationship insecurity”. It sucks and it’s drained a bit of our relationship lately that I finally had to step back and write to myself to understand the extent of damage I was creating on me, on him, on us. It’s obviously not a pretty picture but I think this is the first step to really allow myself to love myself and let him love me. 

I have decided that with this, I want to remind myself that I never used to be this hurt and broken person. I have always been better than this and my boyfriend does not deserve to be wrung by the emotions in which I have control over. He’s amazing (and I hope he knows that). He’s nothing but been the best person and influences me (most especially now) to be better and to grow out of this. 

So Sarah, whenever you’re feeling inadequate or insecure just remember:

• You are an amazing person who has been through so many different trials and tribulations. You’re not competing with anyone else but yourself. And, you’re a winner. 
• Instagram and Facebook is not reality. You’re as real as they come and social media does not determine that nor does it factor in the love you and your significant other share. 
• Your past and his past are insignificant. Live in the now. Build on now and the future you can possibly have together.
• Don’t snoop, just trust. He says he loves you, goes out of his way to spend time with you, and does things nobody else has ever done. Look through your videos and photos and see that the love is there – just trust in his love and let him love you. 
• Don’t let your worries and fear consume you. Yes, you’re insecure but don’t let your insecurities get the best of you. Look at the bigger picture because some of these may not be real worries and fear. 
• You are adequate. 
• You are enough.

I want to say that how I’ve felt about some of these things come from a good place but obviously I need to express it differently, not destructively. I can’t always anticipate the worst case scenario or devise the most hypothetical situation there is because I’ll worry myself to death. I also want to say that I think, for once, I see my relationship as a real treasure and I’ve gotten very protective of it. I have made huge efforts to take care of what I’ve created with my boyfriend that I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that. 

I just want to be better.

This is a good place to start. 

I cry as still at the moon. Weeping at the sighing clouds that wander midnight skies. Aimlessly trekking a disabled mind and without sense of direction, I am quietly hiding. 

Let me have a fair chance at this thing called life.
Chances are, you’re alive.

Well, I want to live too.

I am not your past.
I may or may not be your future.

But, I am your present, so please at least treat me like I am within your presence.

I hurt because for every moment I express to want to be treated like my feelings mean something to, I feel like I am pushed 10 steps back.

How do I learn to feel secure?
How do I learn to fight my own insecurities?
How do I grow from this?

If I am not enough physically, mentally, aesthetically, wholistically…

Why did you even open up the possibility?

I don’t feel like enough.

And, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be.

He asked me to think happy thoughts.

All I could think of was…

Him right next to me holding me. Smelling the accidental scent I bought him smeared across his shirt, trailing from his neck.

Disneyland for a day so excited that he got a pass for me, for all the future moments we’d share.

Playing “Bad & Boujee” and asking me to rap it with him because he knew it’d bring a smile to my face.

Me constantly trying to prove to you I’m not a child with a comment or gesture that absolutely contradicts myself and you laugh.

Watching him play basketball.

Dressing up for him on Valentine’s Day just to be taken to where we had our first date: a small sushi spot in the middle of Little Tokyo in Downtown, Los Angeles.

Holding his hand through a museum and taking an obligatory photo at Chris Burden’s “Lights” while not realizing we had color coordinated our clothes that day.

The way he laughs when he sees me because he never thinks I’m as excited to see him.

How he opens the car door for me ALL THE time and without fail, even if he has to walk briskly and quicker than me to get to the car first.

Him kissing my forehead in moments of silence.

Him kissing my forehead, period.

Him holding me from behind while laughing at how little I am.

The way we alternately book AirBnBs for weekends in the city when we want quality time with each other… And also, maybe because I sleep better when I am with him. 

When he slides his hand against my leg while he drives.

Portland, our first domestic trip together.

Standing in front of Multnomah Falls for a picture and a woman sharing with us that she wanted to take a picture too because we looked “so nice together”.

All the Snapchat videos I have of us on my phone. And without a surprise, most of them are of you behind me, holding me like the support that you are.

The first time I saw you in your “work clothes” when we went to study at the library.

Everytime we study together and I look up from my books to peek at how lucky I am.

How you apologize for things you know you did wrong and even for things you didn’t really need to be sorry for because there have been times where I’m just a big baby and you want to make me happy.

When you tell me more than once that you liked my haircut and later again in a text say, “Baby, I really like your haircut.”

All our photos I have of us and an album in my photos that just says “BAE”.

When you thoughtfully completed my Toy Story gang with the Jessie Doll as a Valentine’s gift.

Beating you at Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters at Disneyland while still waiting on my prize from winning a bet.

Getting you to try vegan food two times in one week.

Taking care of you when you are at your drunkest.

Eating my favorite foods with you (donuts, pizza, nuggets) and learning to share 20 pieces of nuggets with you.

Being able to work out with you at the same gym and have you come up to me and tell me you can’t focus because all you saw was me. But in the back of my mind, all I could think was “All I can see is you too”, but I was coy and laughed at you.

You trying to be a handyman and put my curtains up and failing.

Offering to walk my dog because we always joke you’re not going to be able to clean up after  patients when you begin the nursing program.

When we talk about all the shows and festivals we want to go to in the future and all the music we share through Soundcloud and Spotify.

When you think of me to watch a play with Al Pacino play with your grandmother because you remember I loved him in The Godfather trilogy and nobody else could go with her.

All your “good morning” texts that I get to wake up.

Your punctuality (which if it isn’t obvious, this was a joke lol).

The way you love Future and his music so much.

When I see Future at a DJ Esco show in Vegas and you are all I could think of that it almost makes me cry that you weren’t there to enjoy the night with me.

Halloween Horror Night with you and my friends and that maze of clowns that had you jump and run away for a second with me only following pursuit not too far away because I HATE CLOWNS.

Our very first date.

And lastly, how this list is already pretty long but could be longer and will only get longer.

Neither of us stared into each other’s eyes. 

You gave up on me as I said I didn’t know what to smile for. 

I could hear it in your voice; the last sighing bit of hope to try to turn my day around.

And I am sorry. 

I am sorry for being difficult and emotional as I hurt. I am sorry for being quiet in the face of my own fears and insecurities. I am sorry for making you feel helpless, as helpless as my emotions make me feel. 

The way I run in my mind in a day where I wake up restless and upset is very exhausting. 

I have detered myself from a normalcy today and a day has gone to waste, I am sorry. 

I am hard to bend and even harder to mend as my self-esteem breaks over an exchange of words in disagreement or a trigger of the past.

And now I lay here pondering how I will find the courage to apologize for my weaknesses.